So, I haven’t written in awhile, although I think about writing all the time (truly – every day). I think about writing for this blog, or the CVDL blog, or a paper of some sort. I’ve been wondering why I haven’t written in so long, and I think I’ve realized that it’s because I want to say something meaningful, and I haven’t yet been able to string together anything that seems meaningful enough for you, not that I even know who "you" are. So, at least for today, I’m abandoning that ship in favor of just saying something that felt like it needed to be sorted through in my brain.
I have become aware of an underlying “theme” to these last few months, and I have reached the conclusion that it has been about putting myself out there, being uncomfortable, being vulnerable, taking risks.
Some of you might have read an article I wrote for my company’s newsletter (http://www.joyofspa.com/the-journey-to-my-current-self-growing-comfortable-with-being-uncomfortable in case you’re interested). That article was all about the road I've taken to reach my current self, and how I’ve grown comfortable with being uncomfortable. Reflecting on the past few months since I last wrote, I see how that is really manifesting itself in all areas of my life.
If you don’t know me very well, you might be surprised to learn that I am an introvert. Yes, I know, I love to speak in public, and I enjoy teaching and talking to clients, but my comfort zone lies in time by myself and in deep, meaningful conversations. But did you know I’m absolutely terrified at a dinner party? Weird, right? I attend them, I know I need to, have to, and I really WANT to, because I want those new relationships that come from those types of encounters, but they are HARD for me. I think it's having to make conversation that isn't deep and meaningful, but is instead the friendly small talk and banter required BEFORE you can get to the deep and meaningful stuff. It's hard for me. Hard, and exhausting. In my head, it feels like a waste of time, yet I know it's inappropriate to jump from, "Hello, my name is Shannon," directly to "What do you hope people will say about you at your funeral? But I’ve been putting myself out there socially. And I’ve begun putting myself out there academically.
One of the nice things about entering a doctoral program in my 40s is that, unlike a 24 year old, I’ve dealt with a lot of rejection. I’ve been rejected by jobs and men and friends. I’ve received “feedback” and input and criticism and so-called praise, and I can take it. I’ve reached a point where I can listen and accept it as information, and decide whether to agree/disagree/consider, or simply let it go. This, my friends, is an excellent skill and a blessing for a doctoral student, because as I begin to put myself out there, I begin to get A LOT of feedback.
I’ve started submitting academic work for presentation at conferences. Before I embarked upon this next phase, I decided that (1) I will only submit to something that feels right and flows – meaning the topic has to be of interest and relevant, I have to be able to manage the timeline, and I have to be willing/interested/able to write and talk about it; and (2) I will not get emotionally attached to the outcome – I will submit my perspective, knowing that whatever is supposed to happen will happen, and let it be. And guess what? Everything I’ve submitted has been accepted, so far……
These accepted submissions mean traveling to academic conferences and "presenting" my thoughts in front of career academics. I survived my first of these just last weekend. I received some excellent feedback from a variety of well known, well published, involved people. But you know what? I realized that I am probably going to have to forge my own road, or find some others who have forged in a direction more closely aligned to my values and hitch my wagon to their horse, as while I reflected on the feedback and tried to filter it through my own goals and objectives I kept wondering, “how will anything new and different and game changing ever get done if there’s only one right way to do this?” And using my new favorite word, I know that equifinality exists (thank you, Kevin Lynch). Therefore, there is NOT only one right way, and perhaps I'm just the person to start bending and breaking and forging new roads.
Of course part of this decision will be how much I want to play the game, and how much I want to change the game, as I imagine that forging a new road will ruffle some feathers. Hmmmm, I wonder which road I'll take......
Not only did I attend these conferences, but I participated. After working from my hotel room during the day, I forced myself to get out in the evenings and attend the cocktail receptions. I joined in the doctoral consortium. I even had dinner with a complete stranger whom I met at one of those cocktail parties, and she and I had a wonderful time, meaningful conversation, and I hope that I’ve met someone who can be a friend and perhaps a collaborator one day. I got INVOLVED. I went up to complete strangers and introduced myself and asked how I could help, and when the feelings of not fitting in threatened, I smiled, recognized that those feelings are all mine, and reminded myself that I am interesting and worthy of time and conversation, and I moved on.
I’ve been out there in a few other areas as well, which is why I think it's just time for me to do things a little differently. A couple of examples:
- My oldest daughter turned 16 in January and started driving shortly thereafter. I didn’t give much thought to that whole thing until it was right upon me, and now I realize that it has taken me out of my comfort zone;
- We’ve decided to take on a foreign exchange student. Again, for those of you who know me, having someone else live in my home for a year (yes, an entire academic year) seems completely out of character. Yet, I’m excited for our family to expand our cultural horizons in a completely different way, and I feel good to be providing an experience to another human being that she might not otherwise be able to have. Becoming the temporary parent of another teenager might seem insane. Ok, let's face it - it IS insane, but in a good way, I'm sure!
March 25 marks the conclusion of my first year in the doctoral program, and I realize that I truly have grown comfortable with being uncomfortable. Uncomfortable means growing and stretching and recognizing that I don't know everything and there are many people and experiences and lessons to be learned, and I'm out there, waiting, listening, hoping, and embracing.
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