Getting Out There, Wherever "There" Is

So, I haven’t written in awhile, although I think about writing all the time (truly – every day).  I think about writing for this blog, or the CVDL blog, or a paper of some sort.  I’ve been wondering why I haven’t written in so long, and I think I’ve realized that it’s because I want to say something meaningful, and I haven’t yet been able to string together anything that seems meaningful enough for you, not that I even know who "you" are.  So, at least for today, I’m abandoning that ship in favor of just saying something that felt like it needed to be sorted through in my brain.

I have become aware of an underlying “theme” to these last few months, and I have reached the conclusion that it has been about putting myself out there, being uncomfortable, being vulnerable, taking risks.  

Some of you might have read an article I wrote for my company’s newsletter (http://www.joyofspa.com/the-journey-to-my-current-self-growing-comfortable-with-being-uncomfortable in case you’re interested).  That article was all about the road I've taken to reach my current self, and how I’ve grown comfortable with being uncomfortable.  Reflecting on the past few months since I last wrote, I see how that is really manifesting itself in all areas of my life.

If you don’t know me very well, you might be surprised to learn that I am an introvert.  Yes, I know, I love to speak in public, and I enjoy teaching and talking to clients, but my comfort zone lies in time by myself and in deep, meaningful conversations.  But did you know I’m absolutely terrified at a dinner party?  Weird, right?  I attend them, I know I need to, have to, and I really WANT to, because I want those new relationships that come from those types of encounters, but they are HARD for me.  I think it's having to make conversation that isn't deep and meaningful, but is instead the friendly small talk and banter required BEFORE you can get to the deep and meaningful stuff.  It's hard for me.  Hard, and exhausting.  In my head, it feels like a waste of time, yet I know it's inappropriate to jump from, "Hello, my name is Shannon," directly to "What do you hope people will say about you at your funeral?  But I’ve been putting myself out there socially.  And I’ve begun putting myself out there academically.   

One of the nice things about entering a doctoral program in my 40s is that, unlike a 24 year old, I’ve dealt with a lot of rejection.  I’ve been rejected by jobs and men and friends.  I’ve received “feedback” and input and criticism and so-called praise, and I can take it.  I’ve reached a point where I can listen and accept it as information, and decide whether to agree/disagree/consider, or simply let it go.  This, my friends, is an excellent skill and a blessing for a doctoral student, because as I begin to put myself out there, I begin to get A LOT of feedback.

I’ve started submitting academic work for presentation at conferences.  Before I embarked upon this next phase, I decided that (1) I will only submit to something that feels right  and flows – meaning the topic has to be of interest and relevant, I have to be able to manage the timeline, and I have to be willing/interested/able to write and talk about it; and (2) I will not get emotionally attached to the outcome – I will submit my perspective, knowing that whatever is supposed to happen will happen, and let it be.  And guess what?  Everything I’ve submitted has been accepted, so far……

These accepted submissions mean traveling to academic conferences and "presenting" my thoughts in front of career academics.  I survived my first of these just last weekend.  I received some excellent feedback from a variety of well known, well published, involved people.  But you know what?  I realized that I am probably going to have to forge my own road, or find some others who have forged in a direction more closely aligned to my values and hitch my wagon to their horse, as while I reflected on the feedback and tried to filter it through my own goals and objectives I kept wondering, “how will anything new and different and game changing ever get done if there’s only one right way to do this?” And using my new favorite word, I know that equifinality exists (thank you, Kevin Lynch).  Therefore, there is NOT only one right way, and perhaps I'm just the person to start bending and breaking and forging new roads.

Of course part of this decision will be how much I want to play the game, and how much I want to change the game, as I imagine that forging a new road will ruffle some feathers.  Hmmmm, I wonder which road I'll take......

Not only did I attend these conferences, but I participated.  After working from my hotel room during the day, I forced myself to get out in the evenings and attend the cocktail receptions.  I joined in the doctoral consortium.  I even had dinner with a complete stranger whom I met at one of those cocktail parties, and she and I had a wonderful time, meaningful conversation, and I hope that I’ve met someone who can be a friend and perhaps a collaborator one day.  I got INVOLVED.  I went up to complete strangers and introduced myself and asked how I could help, and when the feelings of not fitting in threatened, I smiled, recognized that those feelings are all mine, and reminded myself that I am interesting and worthy of time and conversation, and I moved on.

I’ve been out there in a few other areas as well, which is why I think it's just time for me to do things a little differently.  A couple of examples:

• My oldest daughter turned 16 in January and started driving shortly thereafter.  I didn’t give much thought to that whole thing until it was right upon me, and now I realize that it has taken me out of my comfort zone;
• We’ve decided to take on a foreign exchange student.  Again, for those of you who know me, having someone else live in my home for a year (yes, an entire academic year) seems completely out of character.  Yet, I’m excited for our family to expand our cultural horizons in a completely different way, and I feel good to be providing an experience to another human being that she might not otherwise be able to have.  Becoming the temporary parent of another teenager might seem insane.  Ok, let's face it - it IS insane, but in a good way, I'm sure!

March 25 marks the conclusion of my first year in the doctoral program, and I realize that I truly have grown comfortable with being uncomfortable. Uncomfortable means growing and stretching and recognizing that I don't know everything and there are many people and experiences and lessons to be learned, and I'm out there, waiting, listening, hoping, and embracing.

That Nagging In The Back Of Your Mind Isn't Your Mother.....

I've been thinking a lot about ethics lately - really, I mean a lot.  I can't quite figure out why, but it's one of those things that keeps coming up for me in everything I read, as I watch my students, my children - all over.  I guess that's the universe telling me that there is a lesson in it for me, and I need to give it some reflection and consideration.

It began with my Moral & Ethical Foundations of Leadership course that required more than 1,200 pages of reading on values, ethics, morals, and continued into the next course into Leading & Developing Others where I focused on how to develop those qualities in people and organizations.  It's particularly interesting because both of the course papers I wrote even focused in on ethics in one way or another.  Even in my current course on Corporate Social Responsibility, I keep coming back to the impact that shifting the focus to ethics might have on businesses and the world.

Perhaps it keeps coming up because it seems so simple.  Not easy, mind you, but simple.  Research shows that individuals increase their ethical behavior and decision making, "their cognitive moral development," through three simple steps.  People must first be able to recognize that there is a moral issue, they must then be able to think about that issue in relation to their personal morals and values, and then they must be able to apply those values to the situation to make a decision that aligns.

Simple, right?  Actually, it could be.  We learn to recognize moral issues by talking about the ethics of situations as they come up, and through specifically using "ethical words" in those discussions.  We learn to recognize our own personal values by thinking about them - really reflecting on what's important to us, those things for which we stand, and then talking about our choices and decisions in light of those values.  Finally, when a situation is particularly challenging or represents something we haven't encountered before, we take our cues from people around us whose behavior we respect and admire.  With that in mind, imagine how critical it is to be exposed to values, to consider situations in light of those values, and to surround ourselves with people who behave ethically.

I had an opportunity to try out this idea with my son the other day when he said some hurtful things to a good friend.  When I spoke with him about it, I specifically asked him what was important and used the word "values," in asking him if his actions matched his beliefs, and it was interesting to watch him make the connection.  Without any prompting other than asking him what he wanted to do next, he decided that he needed to go speak with his friend and apologize and that next time he needed to think about "what he believes" before he acts.

Could we create a more ethical community by simply spending some time getting straight with our own values, making sure we spend time with people who respect our beliefs, and then talking about difficult situations when they come up so that we get practice making the *right* decision?  Could we help our children's ethical development by simply connecting their values to their behavior, and using the words "values" and "ethics" in those conversations?

Although difficult to define, we can sense ethical dilemmas when they appear.  They're those nagging pulls around the edges of a situation or decision as we're going on about our day - but it's those very pulls that give us an opportunity to think and make the right decision.  As Mahatma Ghandi once said, "The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still small voice within."  That "still small voice" is usually reminding me to think about what's really important before acting, or re-acting.

If you could use light refresher on the differences between morals and ethics and law, check out the video below.

Reciprocity

In June, I had the privilege of hearing renowned futurist, Bob Johansen, talk about the forecast that he and his colleagues at the Institute for the Future see for the next 10 years.   Of the three major issues that they forecast to be prevalent in the next 10 years, the one that gives me the greatest hope for our planet is the idea of reciprocity.


Reciprocity is the idea of "getting and giving in equal measure" - although I would add that this doesn't always mean we get or give exactly the same thing, but perhaps we can agree that if you and I get and give what we need, then our arrangement is reciprocal.  We've all heard the term, "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours."  That's reciprocity in action.  The amazing thing about reciprocity is that it requires each person to take a complete leap of faith in humanity and to trust that if they put something out there, they will get back something that they need, in equal measure.  Of course in my experience, I often get back much more than I give.....


I saw a great example of this through a social experiment conducted by a couple of people and a Starbuck's card.  Starbuck's shut down the card on Friday night, but if you want to read the original article, check out http://techcrunch.com/2011/08/08/i-am-jonathans-starbucks-card-a-social-payment-experiment-with-free-coffee/.


However, I saw a more personal and heartwarming example of reciprocity in my own front yard just this morning.  My youngest daughter, Elizabeth, asked to have lemonade stand.  Realizing that it would be far less effort and greater likelihood of success than the garage sale she had originally requested, I acquiesced, and this morning she awoke ready to begin her enterprise.


After we put together the cups and sign and money jar and lemonade, Elizabeth sat out in our front yard with her puppy tied to the table, but no one came...... She was joined by a couple of neighbors, and together they decided that they had a location problem, and they asked if they could relocate down the street to a "higher traffic" area.  As I was hauling the table and chairs and lemonade down the street, I asked some questions like how much were they going to charge and how were they dividing the money.  What I heard brought tears to my eyes, as they said, "Oh, it's not for us.  We're going to donate the money to the humane society."  DOH!  Stupid adult!  Of course it had never occurred to me that this might not be about them at all......


So they successfully relocated their stand and had much better business - so much so that I had to refill the lemonade several times.  Eventually they were joined by another 5 kids and parents contributed cups, cookies, and the like.


At some point, the kids got distracted, as children will do, and they left the money on the table with a sign that said "take what you want, leave what you want".  When we realized that they had left it unattended, they ran back to the table to find a second pitcher of lemonade, another tupperware of cookies, a $100 bill in their money jar as well as a $25 check for our local humane society.  What a great example of reciprocity - faith that there is enough for everyone, and everyone will give and get what they need, all demonstrated by a group of 5-9 year olds......


At the end of our highly successful day, I drove the lot of them to the humane society where they happily donated the day's haul of $141.25.  They were so happy and excited and proud - they felt good because they had put something out there, knowing that they'll get something back somewhere down the road, although I doubt they even thought of it that way.  Honestly I think it's just how they are if they're allowed to be.


As I watch Elizabeth yawn and stretch on the couch tonight, I am heartened by my renewed faith in humanity, the reminder that our children really do GET it, if we'll just give them a chance, listen to them, and not allow the cynicism of the world (including their parents) to beat the reciprocity, generosity and optimism out of them before they have the opportunity to use that perspective to change a world that so desperately needs change.


For more information on Bob Johansen or the work at the Institute for the Future, check out www.iftf.org or watch one of Bob's videos shown below.

And, as always, here's a great musical example.  Again - a group of kids (albeit very rich and famous kids), singing about reciprocity....

When It's Right, It's Right

I was cleaning up my voice mail the other day, and I came across the message from Dr. Jim Ludema, the Program Director for the Center for Values Driven Leadership at Benedictine University and my associated doctoral program.   I smiled as I listened to his message of acceptance into the program and recalled the path that opened up to me that day.

I remembered the tears that came when I listened to the message for the first time.  It got me thinking about why I cried, and I realized that I cried because not only was it the beginning of the achievement of a 25 year goal, it was a step towards realigning my work towards my true purpose, as I do believe we all have a purpose for being here at this time, although I’m not sure we all figure out what it is.

You see, part of what lead me to Benedictine and this particular program had been a restlessness that I had been feeling, an awareness that I wasn’t doing what I was meant to be doing, and an acknowledgement that I was no longer sure what that was.   That feeling of restlessness drove me to do some soul searching – reassessing my values through list making and cross-referencing my values with how I actually spend my time.  I re-read “What Color Is My Parachute” and did the associated tests.  I spent some time really thinking and reflecting about what I liked doing – when I felt confident, when I enjoyed myself, when I lost track of time, when I felt strong and capable and effective.  I came up with words like reading, writing, thinking, creating new things, analyzing problems, presenting and public speaking.  After a conversation with my mother (yes, I must credit her again) wherein she asked when I was going to go back to school, I had the “a ha” moment where I realized that all of the things on that list were things that I do in school.

That realization led me to begin researching doctoral programs again, and the rest is history.

However, what I learned in our last class, “Leading Teams,” was that the things on that list were descriptions of my “strengths”.  As part of that course, we completed the Strengths Finder 2.0 assessment.  If you’re not familiar with this work, it was started by Donald O. Clifton and the Gallup Organization more than 50 years ago, and is a culmination of decades of research on millions of subjects including all kinds of people in a variety of roles (from housekeepers to CEOs) in all kinds of organizations.  This research has found that people have many times greater potential for growth when they invest their time and energy in developing their strengths instead of correcting their deficiencies (Rath, 2007).  People like Marcus Buckingham and Tom Rath have popularized this research in a variety of books that help you determine your strengths (although I would say you probably recognize them when you’re using them, you just might need some help naming them), and then figure out how to use them every day.  In addition, the report analyzes how your specific strengths work together, and how you might capitalize on what you have, and where you might need to supplement your strengths with others who have strengths in other areas.

I completed the strengths finder assessment and found that I had the following strengths.  Those of you who have known me for a long time, or who have worked with me, may recognize some of these (although you may not necessarily view them as strengths, depending on your experience with me!)

• Strategic:  this allows me to notice trends, spot problems several steps out, come up with unusual or different ways of handling things, and to see problems as opportunities (and to convince others of that as well).  Often, when I see a problem, I’ve already come up with several alternative solutions before I even discuss the issue with anyone (which sometimes makes those close to me feel like I’m leaping before looking – see below for that explanation!);

• Intellection (I think you could put my picture next to this one):  “you find the quality of your life improves greatly when you remove yourself from the world’s noise and distractions. Peace and quiet usually allow you to examine your thoughts, feelings, or past deeds more deeply. Because of your strengths, you are quite comfortable having time to yourself to enjoy a favorite pastime: reading.  You gravitate to people who converse about ideas at a deeper and more thoughtful level than most individuals are capable of doing. “Making small talk” — that is, engaging in idle conversation — probably seems like a waste of time to you.”  See,  you all thought my Einstein’s addiction was coffee related – it’s really just my “intellection” strength at work!

• Connectedness: a faith in the links between all things. I believe there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason, even if we don't always know what it is.  (Credit to mom again, as one of her favorite expressions was, “Things happen for a reason.”) 

• Activator:  This helps me take thoughts and put them into action, might make me impatient, often take the lead, like to prove that the “impossible” is possible, ask for forgiveness instead of permission.  Once a decision is made, I want to get it started right now.  (I think my mom would confirm this one in me, even as a child......)

• Maximizer:  This means that I know what I do well and what I don’t do well, and I try to surround myself with people who can take something I’ve started that’s good and make it superb, or take an idea that’s come out of all that strategy and intellection and actually put it into action.  It also means I avoid activities I find confusing, hard or unpleasant (absolutely guilty). 

These strengths are further categorized into leadership-specific areas of executing, influencing, relationship building, strategic thinking (Rath and Conchie, 2009).

I’ve got to say, I felt so GOOD when I read my strengths.  I no longer felt crazy or like some of these things are bad things – it shifted my perspective to look at them as positives instead of focusing on the things I don’t do well (um, like actually finishing something.  I do recognize that I am missing strengths in the “executing” area.  Thank God for many of you who have been able to take my thoughts and ideas and actually DO something with them!) 

Anyway, it was an affirming experience, and one I’d recommend for anyone who finds themselves trying to figure out “what comes next.” I’ve listed some references below if you’re interested in exploring things further.  

They have expanded the work into children, tweens, teens and 20-somethings to try to help people figure out their strengths earlier in life, so they can capitalize on them in school, rather than waking up at 42 trying to figure out where they belong, like I did.  But today, I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and I am confident that wherever this journey takes me, it will be towards the purpose that my strengths support.


http://www.victorencinas.com/victors-blog/career-tool-apply-strengthfinders-2-0-to-your-job-search
An old friend, Victor Encinas, frequently recommends and references Strenths Finder 2.0 in his coaching business.  Check out the link abovefor his perspective and services.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TZnqiSpmYk&feature=related

will get you to a YouTube video of Marcus Buckingham talking about his latest book, The Truth About You, which is geared towards older teens and early 20s to try to help them focus on their strengths at an early age.

www.strengthsfinder.com is the website for the whole movement, all the books, etc.  Each book purchase comes with a code for the assessment and associated report. 

https://www.strengths-explorer.com/default.aspx is a website geared specifically for 10-14 year olds with an assessment tool and associated materials to help younger children start playing to their strengths.

http://strengths.gallup.com/114595/Welcome-Bucketbook-com-Users.aspx is a website and book geared towards younger children.

Rath, T. (2007).  Strengths finder 2.0.  New York:  Gallup Press.

Rath, T. and Conchie, B. (2009).  Strengths based leadership.  New York:  Gallup Press.

My Mom Was Right: Positivity Pays

So, it turns out my mom was right.

She used to say, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all,” and after all these years, I just finished reading the research that proves she was right…..

All kinds of scientists and mathematicians have proven that the more positive we are, the more successful we are.  They’ve proven it for individual people.  They’ve proven it for married couples.  They’ve proven it for teams in an organizational context. In fact, there is a mathematical equation that can predict how mentally healthy an individual is, how likely a married couple is to last, and how “high performing” a work group will be, all based upon how the individuals perceive positivity and negativity in their own life and how the individuals in couples and groups speak to one another.

When we’re talking about positivity, we’re talking about encouragement, support and appreciation.  We’re also talking about the tendency to focus more on others rather than ourselves and to focus on “inquiry” (i.e. asking questions to understand the other person) rather than “advocacy” (i.e. pursuing our own position).  When we talk about negativity, we’re talking about cynicism, sarcasm and disapproval, as well as the tendency to focus on the opposite – self and advocacy of our own position.

As an individual, to be viewed as flourishing, or essentially mentally healthy, your “positivity ratio” needs to be at about 3:1.  For those of us who’ve forgotten most of what we learned about ratios, that means 3 positive experiences, or moods or feelings (lumped together, often called affect) to 1 negative one.  

For married couples to feel satisfied and for the relationship to have a strong prediction of lasting, the ratio must be 5:1.  Essentially that means that for every 1 negative thing someone says, there must be 5 positive ones.

For teams, a high performing team requires a 5:1 ratio as well.

Why so many more positive than negative?  Because negativity is stronger than positivity.  Haven’t we all seen that?  One negative attitude in the room can bring the whole room down, and once it’s down, it is really challenging to turn it around. 

The good news, however, is that positivity lasts longer than negativity, and it creates more positivity which has a rippling effect out into the world.  It actually broadens our skills and abilities and allows for greater creativity as well as the ability to correct incorrect assumptions.  In addition, frequent positive affect predicts resilience to adversity, resistance and reduction in a variety of health related issues, and it has a clear link to predicting how long people live.

Why should we care?  For a lot of reasons. When we’re negative, it literally limits the number of options available to us.  This is part of the reason why it’s so strong.  Because of the limits it puts on us, we can’t come up with creative ways to get ourselves out of it.  This makes negativity a relatively stable and long lasting affect in some people, couples and organizations.  Does this idea remind you of anyone in particular?

From a work perspective, we care because high performing teams are more profitable, have higher customer satisfaction and higher evaluations by superiors, peers and subordinates.  You would think that the medium performing teams are OK, or at least average.  Unfortunately, that’s not the case either.  Although they start off stronger than the low performing teams, they essentially end up in the same place – stuck and unable to tap into their creativity to solve problems.

As I think about how I might implement this in my own life, I realize it all comes back to values.  I need to value positivity, and the benefits it brings.  Once I value those things, I can live it.  When I live it, I have a chance to lead it.

To support me on that journey, or perhaps to help motivate you if you’re interested as well, I’ve added some musical references, because I relate things to music so often. Here’s a non traditional version of “Accentuate the Positive,” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4v0PvGYshr8.

If that feels too sappy for you, give Jack Ingram’s “Love Me” a try, as Jack sums it up perfectly with the idea that it’s really all about how we look at things.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DC1EXkVE-eg

Sources:

Frederickson, B.L. & Losada, M. (2005). Positive affect and the complex dynamics of human flourishing, American Psychologist, 60(7), 678-686.

Gottman, J.M. (1994).  What Predicts Divorce?  The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes.  Hillsdale, NJ:  Erlbaum.

Losada , M. & Heaphy, E. (2004).  The role of positivity and connectivity in the performance of business teams:  A nonlinear dynamics model, American Behavioral Scientist, 47(6), 740-765.

The Gift of Clarity

Isn't it amazing when we experience something new or begin thinking about something differently, we so frequently find instances of it all around us?  When I was pregnant, I saw pregnant women and babies.  When I bought a new car, I saw the same model everywhere.....  Some would say it's the self-fulfilling prophesy, others might call it the law of mind action.  In any case, I see it in my life all the time, so perhaps it just means that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

For his dissertation, one of the professors in my first Ph.D. course followed numerous individuals who have had a significant impact on the world through personal service but whose humility made them do so in very quiet, unassuming ways, such that they were even difficult for him to find.  He then wrote his dissertation about how these people who dedicate their lives to service ultimately transform their perspective from a focus on themselves to what he called being “a beacon of hope.”   Most of these people had careers or companies or families, perhaps what we might call “regular” lives, until something spurred them to change directions to a company that provided service, and that service ultimately became their life’s work.

At the end of each semester, I ask my students to reflect on the past 16 weeks and consider whether they've experienced anything that has changed their life.  I must confess that I’ve traditionally done this as much for me as for them, as I always felt better, like I’ve actually given them something, when they verbalized what they have learned.  Usually I hear things like they’re thinking about changing their major, feel more confident at public speaking, or that they have realized that we are all leaders in our own way and that service is part of leadership.  These are all wonderful lessons that will have a positive impact on their lives, and they’re all part of my objectives at the outset, so hearing this feedback is rewarding for me. 

Three days after that first Ph.D. course ended, I engaged in the same exercise as my class sat around the tables at Panera to discuss their service learning projects.  Armando was generally a rather quiet, reserved student, but he was so animated and excited to tell his story when we reached his turn, he seemed like a different person.

Armando shared that his experience with one of the teenagers in the youth group he lead was very impactful for him, and he saw himself continuing in similar work.  In fact, he had always imagined himself engaging in service to others in some way, whether that was working for a not-for-profit or owning his own company.  He had even imagined what that would be like, what people would think about it, what it would say about him as a person, etc.    

While the specifics of Armando’s service project are not important, the lesson it taught him is extraordinary.  After Armando told us the details of his service experience, I asked if he felt it had changed his life, and he said something like this.  “Yes!  Yes, it was incredible.  I used to think that service was about me.  How it made me feel, what I would do, how I would help, what people would think about me. What I realized, however, is that it’s not about me at all.  It’s about them, and the only piece of ‘me’ in it really is the fact that I may be able to offer someone some hope or comfort in some small way at a time in their life when they really need it.  I may be the only person in that moment who cares, or who can help, and that’s enough.  It was so humbling to realize that it just isn't about me.”

In just 16 weeks, at age 20, Armando’s openness and humility transformed him into a beacon of hope, all because he took the time to serve and reflect on the purpose and lesson of that service.

Of course it wasn’t for a few weeks that I realized that I have always looked at this exercise in terms of what the benefit was to me, what good I did for these students, how I might have changed their lives, which assignments have the greatest impact, etc. 

What a gift for Armando to realize his purpose at 20, and what a humbling experience for me to realize that teaching is not about me, it’s about them.

Thank you, Armando, for your gift of clarity of purpose, and thank you to all of my other students who have taught me so much.  I am grateful for those lessons, and I hope that I have given you a fraction of what you have given me.

Defying Gravity

I am not the same person I was on September 11, 2001, and I am reticent to admit it, but I’m struggling to make sense of the killing of Osama bin Laden from a values based leadership perspective.

I personally knew people who were killed in the Towers. I have friends, colleagues and children of good friends serving in all branches of the armed forces. My father and grandmother were World War II veterans. I have the deepest respect and appreciation for the men and women who so willingly sacrifice so much of themselves, their families, and often their own lives, for our country, and in my soul I know that the very freedom I experience today, the privilege of the Ph.D. program itself, the opportunities for my children, are owed in significant part to them and those who came before. So I offer these thoughts not about individuals at all, but as humanity. As the community of the human race.

When I heard the news this morning, I forced myself to take the time to reflect on my feelings. I felt heavy. I still feel heavy. I can’t help but wonder what purpose it has served. I can only answer for myself, so I asked myself these questions, and I was surprised by the answers. Do I feel closure? Will this be the end of the war? I feel neither of those. Do I feel safer? No. Do I feel justice was served? Do the survivors and families of the victims? I don’t think his death makes up for theirs. I don’t see how violence will create peace.

After my last blog, a couple of friends commented about values being individual, and representing our internal compass. They said that perhaps there are universal values, such as peace and the sanctity of life, yet those very values seem to elude humanity. Perhaps the values are really peace and sanctity of life of people who act the same and believe the same, but not for those who threaten our definition of “right” or “same”? If our enemies act in accordance with their internal compass, how can we say our values are right and theirs are wrong?

The paradoxes of individuality and intimacy say that the only way for us to become fully individuated is to become fully part of the group, and acceptance of self depends on acceptance of others. Could the answer be in understanding and compassion? In making ourselves vulnerable so that someone can really know us? In taking the time to appreciate our differences and, in seeing our differences, to realize that we are more alike than we are different? To accept that to understand you, I don’t have to lose me?

I don’t know about you, but I think I’ll try defying gravity, as I think Elphaba got it right in the end.

Elphaba Trying to Defy Gravity - if only Glinda was on board....